A Chapter In My Life By Tanya Butler
A positive was all it took
A positive that took forever to appear
It meant, with all of our hope
That all of our dreams will eventually appear.
We told close family about the news
And we were all so very amazed
So imagine the horror when one day
Those dreams turned into a haze.
It took so long to find my place on this earth
And pressure built inside
To not feel left out or defective and it was something I really wanted
But still, for months, I cried.
We saw you when you were alive
And were told everything was OK
Then planning a future with you in it
Simply seemed the natural way.
No tests were performed or assumptions made
It was very much just ‘one of those things’
I’m not the only woman on the planet
Yet seeing success stories, much heartache it did bring.
A reminder that nature will do whatever it needs to continue the human race
Was something I didn’t care for when I didn’t get to see my first child’s face.
The hurt will always stay
It defines my everyday thinking
The emotional turmoil,
The black hole you are in, that drowning feeling, sinking.
It hurts to look to the future
When life can be taken away in a flash
The hope and my child inside was barely just
My head and heart didn’t want to crash.
To protect myself and my husband
I wished and wasted a lot of time away
An empty shell I became
My mind didn’t want to work or play.
Time became the priority
It consumed my life
The goal was simple enough
To once again create another life.
The uncertainty of the future
Put fear in me I never knew
For no one told me it would never happen
So the hope, though very slight, helped me through.
You were always very much wanted
And there are days when I think of what could have been
To see the positive and then hope, joy and happiness diminish
Was something I could not have predicted or seen.
My mind and body, I concluded
Needed a reboot and a fresh start
If it can happen so easily to others
It can to me, with the effort and strength from my mind and heart.
A long-time of not feeling like myself
However, I still had to carry on
Feeling anxious about people who knew
A positive outlook, I felt, had gone.
A mask was put on
I was expected to get over it
But deep down I wanted the whole world to disappear
Not one person, except my husband, did I want to be around, not one bit.
To help cope with depression and grief we adopted two cats
They gave my life purpose and meaning
I felt like I could move on
Yet still, I kept on dreaming.
A good chapter of my life has been dedicated to becoming a parent
What do we do if it doesn’t happen to us?
It fed the fears, the tears, my peers
Could not understand the fuss.
I am a very big dreamer
But realistically I know life is hard
Put your mind and strength to it
And rise above all your dud cards.
I am an introvert by nature
I’m not easy or naturally social to be around
I do not feel others need to be told
All of the things that get me down.
Though I do not speak much
That does not mean I don’t hurt
Or have feelings where I disagree with you
For me, this is how I work.
My story is simple
I have pains, some secret, some not
Wanting something so badly and not being able to get it as easily as expected
Was the journey my life did then plot.